The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
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him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off