Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
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ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
*has no idea what a book even is*
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for