*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
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they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Put my back out twerking in the library again
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
How does one answer this?
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.