My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
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[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…