[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
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Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Sharon, call the vet
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Can’t. Being lazy.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream