Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
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[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
This fish is cracking me up
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere