Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
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Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Worth the read.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.