If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
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MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Jail