[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
You Might Also Like
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
All is fair in drunk and war.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks