Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
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Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
So creative 😂
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs