[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
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It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.