He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
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My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
You’ll be OK
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?