[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
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Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I’d love this…lol
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.