[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
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Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.