Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
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My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?