spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
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I could NOT have put it better myself.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed