It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
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Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Vodka burrito was a success
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free