[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
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My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
I don’t think my car can fly
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.