My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
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“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now