“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
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My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.