Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
You Might Also Like
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
and now we wait
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*