I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
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❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Lmfao
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Love is in the air fryer.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right