♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
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horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs