[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
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*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer