The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
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Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Love this guy
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.