SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
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INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
*lint rolls you awake*
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.