[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
You Might Also Like
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.