Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!