I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
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HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
If snakes were wide
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!