….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
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“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
bad news gang
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing