lot going on here, legally speaking.
You Might Also Like
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point