As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
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magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?