Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
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[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?