duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
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Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Oceanography is all about current events
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.