Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
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The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.