[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
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“You want me to do what?!”🤣
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.