A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
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[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*