My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
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Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.