[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
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Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!