Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
You Might Also Like
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
👾👾👾
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
love pickles so much i put myself in one
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.