*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
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Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.