I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
You Might Also Like
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.