They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
You Might Also Like
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes