Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
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[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Somebody call the cops.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016