ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
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ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
screw you
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder