Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
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Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Living the best life.. 😊