OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
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Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.