Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
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Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
2023 was just a warmup
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.