Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
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And bowling should be called pinball
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
normalize having existential bread
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Lol #dogsoftwitter
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
do u think theres a butter planet?
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait