it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
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I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Haha! 😂
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.